a batslie kind of day...

there are things I hate about talking about your relationship online. three fourths of the time, it’s fake. because most people, really, only talk about the happy times or the good things. anyone knows this really. I know it because I’ve dated at least, like, a hundred people, and probably fucked an amazingly/embarrassingly higher number and each time, even at my pie in the sky happiest, never said shit, or at least not specifics. On MySpace or LiveJournal or whatever. And sometimes those same people I exchanged vases  and words with spend more than four paragraphs on new lovers…online. And I, along with at least ten other girls, sit there and read the words and gloat and compare.

I’m talking about this, because tonight I am feeling unhappy. I hate the holidays, because my girlfriend has never told her parents I even exist, and yet she spent 500 dollars on an entire family that she doesn’t even believe can support her. And I’m not even a roommate. As awful and non conceding as my parents may be, I came to relish their uncomfortable acknowledgements. Because they are ultimately acknowledgements. They had an entire decade to get used to hearing girls names and cringing, but it’s not like they didn’t cringe at the boys too. I would have lived with Matt forever, and they still looked at me and asked me how my little friend Matt was.

But now, I’m finally realizing that I am serious, for the first time ever, and instead of being scared that someone will leave me, I think sometimes that I might leave. I really need something big to happen.